the spirit of peace and harmony. Well, we all got together and sang in
the spirit of peace and harmony at
ThirdRockFest
, and the result was
that thirty-six people were killed in mass rioting after the festival was
overbooked. It’s obvious that the solution is not going to come about
by itself. But no one has any idea what to do. This has led us to the
conclusion that man needs to look elsewhere for his answers.
“Prior to man’s arrival on this planet, there was peace. And after
man is wiped off this planet, there will be peace. In between, the
earth has known nothing but violence. Clearly, man is not the right
entity to ask about how to wage peace. So who to turn to? It has been
suggested that all living beings possess a special kind of
consciousness—an inborn sense of morality and understanding.
Philosophers, psychiatrists and sages have all believed that we too
have inherited such universal knowledge, but have long since lost the
ability to understand it. Well, how about the beings that are still in
touch with that knowledge? What if we could talk to them? What if
we could—”
Harvey had already begun to roll his eyes.
“—talk to the animals? Just imagine! Or the plants! Or even the
rocks! They might have so much to say! So much they could teach us!
But we don’t speak their language, and despite the heroic efforts of
our crack team of psychics, we have been unable to read their minds.”
But for his hands being tied behind his back, Harvey would have
cradled his head in his hands and wept. He knew what was coming.
“However,” Vlad continued, walking closer to the chagrined
scientist and placing his hand warmly on his shoulder, “This brilliant
man may have paved the way for us! He has invented a fantastic
device that makes it possible for direct experience to be transmitted
between two different consciousnesses! Already he has found that a
human being can share the experience of a monkey! Imagine how
much we could learn from a single ape! Not to mention dolphins and
owls and other wise creatures! Yes, my friends, this is the dawning of
a great new window into man’s soul: not through his thick, distorted
lenses of reason, but through the wide-open back door of his own
glorious evolutionary horse-sense!”
The Ferns cheered.
“So I ask you,” bellowed Vlad over the din of the applause, “are
you with us on this, Dr. Futterman?” And with that, he dramatically
pulled off Harvey’s gag, as the ferns bated their breaths for his reply.
“That was a lovely speech,” said Harvey, “However, fuck you and
H O L Y S H I T !
90
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