but since they weren’t, a hideaway between an abandoned real estate
office and a gas pump would have to suffice. Unfortunately for the
captives, uncomfortable restraints and lots of rope were required to
address the imbalance.
“Hey, what do we gotta tie them up for?” Victoria implored Vlad,
“Where they gonna go? We’re in the middle of friggin’ nowhere!”
“Shhh,” he whispered in reply. “If we treat them like kings, they
won’t think we’re serious! This isn’t a debate, Victoria. This is war.”
He turned from her and walked over to the area where Harvey and
Milo were tied up in uncomfortable chairs. Harvey was seated in a
schooldesk from the 1940s which was so small that it had the dual
effect of making him not only terribly uncomfortable but also so
completely wedged in that the rope was wholly unnecessary. Milo
was in a Laz-E-Boy recliner, pinned by such exposed and rusty
springs that they threatened him with severe lacerations should he
try to move more than a centimeter in any direction.
“Well, you fellows look well-rested and comfortable,” said Vlad,
as he pulled down their gags. “So I won’t dilly-dally. Straight to the
point, I always say. No beating around the bush. Pull no punches and
get down to business—”
“You, sir, are a lummox,” barked Harvey. “I demand to be
kidnapped by a worthy adversary, not some half-wit excrement-
sweeping hun! Now free me from this entrapment or be prepared to
face the consequences!”
“Consequences? What consequences? What are you going to do?
Gas us to death with your farts? Hold your breath until you explode
and blow us all up? Make funny faces until we die laughing? In case
you haven’t noticed, bub, I’m in control here, and you’re going to shut
up and listen to what I have to say!”
Harvey remained silent.
“Very well then. What I have to say is this—” Vlad began, but was
interrupted by Harvey once again.
“YADA YADA YADA! MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB LITTLE
LAMB—DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD WITCH IS DEAD—.”
“Hey! You there! Shut up and let me speak!” demanded Vlad.
“—OLD MACDONALD HAD A FARM EE-YI-EE-YI-O AND ON
THIS FARM—”
“I’m warning you—!” he hollered, shaking his fists in the air.
“—HE HAD AN IDIOT KIDNAPPER WITH A BIG FAT NOSE
EE-YI-EE-YI-O—”
H O L Y S H I T !
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