“A makeover, first off,” the television executive said, coming to
his aid. “Plain and simple. You guys may seem pretty godly where you
come from, but all these robes and sandals and beards and
explosions make you guys look like a bunch of terrorists. That stuff
may get you far in Libya, but here it’ll only get you locked up. I was
thinking something more sporty.”
“More sporty?” Mohammed asked.
“For really widespread distribution, to capture the biggest
market share, you have to hit the lowest common denominator, or
else risk alienating most of your audience. It’s all—”
“Wait a minute,” Krishna objected, his face flushing a deep blue,
“Market share? Distribution? What is this man talking about? We’re
not here to make cash, mister! We’re here to make a judgment!
Moses, what is this all about?”
“Patience, my friend. Just listen.”
“As I was saying,” Gareth continued coolly, “It’s all marketing
nowadays. If you want to get mankind to cooperate in your doomsday
gig, you’re going to have to sell him on the idea, the same way you
sell, say, a car. When you’re marketing a car, you can’t just say, ‘Hey,
check out this car! It’s great! Buy it.’ Everyone will think that it’s a
piece of crap. Nowadays you have to insist essentially that, ‘If you
don’t buy this car, not only will you be missing out on the supreme
realization of human glory and bliss, but your entire life will be
dismal and devoid of context and meaning because everyone else will
have one except you.’ Understand?”
“But why do we have to sell man redemption?” Yeshua said, “It
should be something that he wants innately.”
“Sure he does. However, it’s not
your
model of redemption that
he wants. What are you offering him, basically? You’re saying: ‘Hey,
if you show that you’ve met our criteria, we’ll allow you to go on living
your miserable little lives.’ Big deal! Most people are expecting more
out of Armageddon than just the status quo. They’re hoping to be
delivered to the promised land of milk and honey with heavenly
gardens and pearly gates. Nirvana. Eternal bliss. Hell, they might get
so depressed when they find out those things aren’t part of the deal,
they’ll
want
you to kill them off!”
“What if they gave an Armageddon and nobody came?” Deaf
Lemon offered grimly, trying to hold on to a fragment of his rapidly
sinking religious faith.
“Exactly,” said Gareth, “There’s no point in doing it that way.
H O L Y S H I T !
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