O l i v e r B e n j a m i n
“Right. Good. And what is it we’re here to do?”
“You’re here to decide if humans are fuck-ups or not.”
Yeshua tapped his finger to his chin and said, “Mmn. Close
enough. And what happens if we decide that they are?”
“We all burn in hell. Hey, will Judas Priest and Black Sabbath be
playing there? I always wondered, ‘cause all the good bands sing
about hell, and all the lame bands sing about heaven, so I think I’d be
pretty happy in hell, ‘cause at least if you’re gonna be some place for
eternity, then you might as well—”
“What in the name of God are you blabbering about?” groaned
Yeshua, “There is no such thing as hell! Can’t you get that through
your head?”
“But you said that hell is something that man invented.”
“That doesn’t mean it’s real,” Yeshua insisted.
“Oh. I see where you’re getting at,” said Bob, “Like the way
everyone talks about Star Trek all the time, but there’s really no such
thing as Klingons.”
“Sure. Like that. I guess,” replied Yeshua.
“So, what about heaven? Can you listen to devil music there? Or
is it against the rules? I was just wondering, because—”
“No! There is no heaven either! That was man’s idea, too.”
“Pretty crappy idea if you ask me. Who wants to listen to songs
about heaven? Eric Clapton’s all right, but Air Supply? John Denver?
Fuck that! You know what I’m saying?”
Yeshua sank low in his seat and cradled his head in his hands.
“Perhaps we could terminate this one now,” suggested
Zarathustra.
“I hate to interrupt the preliminaries,” announced Moses, “but
we’ve got a new development on our hands. May I take the floor?”
The others nodded their assent, while, enthusiastic to be freed
from the religious catechism, Bob said eagerly, “Go ahead, man.
Floor us.”
“Ahem, yes,” replied Moses. “Well, let’s get to the point. Despite
our great knowledge and abilities, we have apparently grossly
misjudged some of the ways in which the modern human mind has
developed. Additionally, we have not fully understood the way in
which the global community communicates. Moreover, we have
presented ourselves in a fashion that makes no sense in a modern
context. What we need is, a—ah—um—”
Gareth stood up.
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