They can’t, because their fucking plants won’t tell them how to do it.
There were more, all equally drubbing. It was hoped that the arrival
of Jewel would breathe new life into the Order, but as it turned out
her abilities only worked on human beings and some animals.
Vlad struck his fist hard against the table. “Well, it’s true. You’re
all just a bunch of incompetent boobs. However, you’re a bunch of
well-meaning incompetent boobs, so the administration has decided
to keep you on, in accordance with the MLF’s recruiting philosophy:
The true altruist must never be turned away.
”
He fudged a little on that one. The actual philosophy was:
Additional monthly dues must never be turned away.
The crowd muttered an assortment of wounded whines and
whinnies. Strangely, no one managed to point out that Vlad himself
had been no great boon to the organization. Despite his widely
reported communions with desert cacti, Vlad was as useless (he
didn’t even
pay
dues) as the rest of them. Perhaps his stinging
awareness of his own ineptitude caused him to be particularly hard
on the group. He found it essential to maintain a gulf between
himself and his inferiors, and since it had been impossible to
legitimately raise himself up, he was sometimes forced to trample his
congregation down a bit. But today was different. Today he trampled
them down not to assuage his own feelings of inadequacy, but to
increase the glory of his impending triumph, so that once and for all
it would be agreed that he should be their rightful leader and that
there would no longer be any talk of replacing him with someone
more effective.
“But I have a tremendous announcement for all of you,” he
continued, “Today is the day when the Order of the Fern begins to
turn the tables on all its critics. No longer will people say, ‘Why did
the Order of the Fern cross the road? Because they had nothing
better to do.’ No. Today is the day when we develop a plan of attack
to procure the instrument that will break down the barriers between
humans and animals. Between humans and plants. Between all
organisms. And when we do that—”
“What about rocks?” someone shouted from the back.
“Rocks too. Sure. The point is, when we do that, we’ll be able to
dramatically change the world. And if all goes according to plan, we
will not only be the shining glory of the Millennial Liberation Front,
but of this
entire mixed-up planet!”
Don Wong, the owner of Pangaea and the husband of Shiva
H O L Y S H I T !
70
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