O l i v e r B e n j a m i n
please read back the minutes of the previous meeting.”
An awkward, sniffly man began reading the minutes in a thin
plaint: “The eleventh meeting of the Order of the Fern of the You-
Know-Who commenced on December 12 at 4:35 p.m. The previous
meeting’s minutes were read, and the floor was handed to Donna
Livingstone, who reported on the status of the New Year’s Day party
to be held at the Bakersfield Hilton. There was an issue as to lack of
funds which was resolved by moving the site to a nearby Motel 6
banquet room. The floor then recognized Ed McGillicuddy, who
announced that his houseplants had woken him up early one
morning to inform him that America’s involvement in the Vietnam
war was essentially a mistake. Subsequently, the assembly broke into
discussion groups and it was decided that Ed’s plants were indeed,
correct. Further investigation was sanctioned and the meeting was
adjourned at 6:12 p.m.”
“Okay, thanks a lot Frank. Well, fellow Ferns, I have some
extraordinary news for you. After months of wading through false
leads while waiting for the juicy ones to turn up, I’m proud to
announce that we finally have a monkey wrench with which to turn
the gears of our great machine. After extended investigation, my
partner Jewel and I have uncovered something so sinister, so
horrifying, and yet so doggone useful, that I just can’t wait to share it
with you.”
There was an expectant murmur from the group.
“As you know, according to figures from the central office, the
Order of the Fern consistently comes last in regards to
communicative breakthroughs when it comes to establishing links
with our assigned organic subjects. Even the freaking
Brotherhood of
the Rock
reported more insights than us. There could be many
explanations for this. Perhaps it is that the plants of the world have
been exploited more than other organisms and as such are a too
indignant to trust us. Maybe we just don’t have as many enlightened
people in our group. Or maybe you’re all just a little too damn lazy.”
Assorted protests flew up from the assembly, and a few crossed
and uncrossed their arms angrily. Still, no one could argue: The
Order of the Fern was considered somewhat of a laughing stock
within the Millennial Liberation Front. There were many popular
jokes among the other Front members at the time:
What did the
plant say to the Order of the Fern member?
“Leaf me alone.”
Or: How
many Order of the Fern members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
69
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