But dead they’re not, though soon shall be
When the world decides to toss them.
More than this, all I can do
Is hand them a four-leaf clover
And push them off to the side of the road
Or be sure to run them over.
”
Jewel clapped eagerly and gave him a kiss. Victoria did not. Vlad
didn’t care, as he was in possession of a supreme amount of
understanding of something that he wasn’t completely sure about.
Not that that mattered. It was his belief, and that of his organization
that to understand something, you have to progress from general
perplexion, to total confoundedness and finally to complete insanity.
Vlad had performed well on all these levels, and as such, had been
appointed leader of the Order of the Fern of the Millennial Liberation
Front, a branch of the Kingdom of the Plants of the Millennial
Liberation front, whose job it was to collect wisdom from the plant
kingdom regarding how to fight mankind’s corruption of the Earth.
The other branches were concurrently in the process of
consulting everything from animals to rocks to fungi in pursuit of
helpful knowledge of the subject. Unfortunately nothing much had
yet come from the entire investigation, but the MLF was a young
organization and great things were expected. And how! Vlad thought.
He was supremely excited, and had called the emergency meeting all
because of Victoria’s story, which provided them a new plan of
action. It was excellent news, because Vlad, along with everyone else,
was sick and tired of holding these meetings when no one had
anything to say. Today would be different, though. He was sure of
that—as sure as he was that the chlorophyll jockey shorts he wore
were nourishing his gonads with vital Earth-energy.
They walked into the back entrance of the restaurant and sat
down. After a few moments, people started showing up for the
meeting, and all appeared to Victoria to be rather normal—not what
she might have expected, though even Vlad looked rather normal on
the surface. Indeed, Jewel with her obnoxious gypsy jewelry
appeared to be the weirdo of the group.
“I now call to order the twelfth meeting of the Order of the Fern of
the You-Know-Who,” said Vlad to the assemblage. “Will the secretary
H O L Y S H I T !
68
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