CHAPTER 44
The water in the octopool helped to wash away some of Doug’s
frustration. It reminded him of those summers down by the lake in
Zebohhugistakia; long halcyon days where the heavy pain of
adolescence would sink to the mysterious bottom of the murky soup,
leaving only a crisp sweetness to float with him up at the surface. And
in this immense and sterile swimming pool shaped like an octopus,
where the soup had been cleansed of all its mystery, he nevertheless
felt a similar renewal. For a while at least, he could forget that his
womb of financial security would soon eject him crying back into the
real world, cursed to walk on his own two feet again.
He swam back up to the surface and bobbed gently, looking at his
multimillion-dollar shrine to comfort that would soon be someone
else’s. He supposed this was what the interviewer meant when he
said, “Anything goes.”
Swimming over to the side of the pool, Doug started to yodel.
Bye
Bye, Miss American Pie
. He might have sung more, but swallowed
some of the chlorinated water by mistake, and instead began to
choke.
“Hark!” cried Muchoman from the table where he had been
playing poker with the others. “Our friend Doug is drowning!” He
threw down his cards and dove into the pool. Within moments he
had dragged Doug to the shallow end of the octopool.
“Are you all right, my friend?” he asked, but Doug was still
choking. “Oh, my! Does anybody know how to perform mouth-to-
mouth?” It was curious that despite an extended career in
professional heroism, Muchoman had never learned CPR, but, as he
himself had recently learned, even the gods themselves weren’t
capable of everything.
“I do!” cried Jewel, helping to pull Doug out of the pool. She took
his head between her hands and placed her lips on his. As she did,
she couldn’t help but be reminded of another strange, short man with
a big nose, whose dreams had been similarly sabotaged. Doug
spluttered and opened his eyes.
“You’re kind of cute,” she said.
With the help of his friends, Doug pulled himself to his feet and
sat down at the table where Muchoman, Bob, Wade, Leonard and
H O L Y S H I T !
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