from your absurd legal system.”
“I will not sit here and be ridiculed,” said Barth, preparing to
leave.
“Cool off, hothead, you’re not going anywhere. That’s no
ordinary chair.”
Truly, even the powerful arms of Johanness Barth could not
break the invisible bonds that held him fast in his seat. It was a
contraption worthy of those the Order of the Fern had designed for
Harvey and Milo, and divine as any toilet seat. Barth stayed put.
“Anyway, returning to the scheduled events,” Zarathustra said,
“in order for the Human Race not to get canceled, as it were, one man
must prove his moral character, and he is sitting before us in chair
number four. You all know him from his big hits, “Reading Your Lips,
Baby,” “Home is Where the Heartbreak Is, and “Armageddon Outta
Here.” Formerly known as Deaf Lemon Hopkins, please give a warm
welcome to Mr. Marcus Hopkins!”
The audience applauded vigorously, pleadingly, and in some
cases, tearfully.
Like Muchoman before him, Hopkins also bowed.
“Well, Mr. Hopkins, are you ready?”
“Ready, Freddy,” he replied, “Take me there.”
And at that, Hopkins disappeared, leaving only a whiff of after-
shave lotion and the retinal afterimage of a man saluting his people.
The audience turned their attention to the large screen that
would relay his adventures in the Dreamtime, but before it turned on,
a man jumped up on the stage and began screaming his head off.
“Humans of the world unite!” Vlad yelled, “You have nothing to lose
but your chains! These gods are not gods! They are impostors! Don’t
get me wrong, they are pretty powerful, but they are not who they
claim to be!”
“Who the fuck are you?” Wade screamed from the third row.
“I? I am Vlad Dingowitz,” he hollered, “Chairman of the Order of
the Fern, of the Millennial Liberation Front!”
The audience gasped at the mention of the famous terrorist
organization.
“You’re a dork!” Wade yelled back.
“Shut up, punk. I have some very important news. If you don’t
like it, then you can bring it up with—
them
.”
The large studio was filled with a fearsome racket as fifty or so
H O L Y S H I T !
220
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