“Well, I was going to wash my hair,” She replied, “but—I could do
that later.”
The two of them strolled hand in hand down the road that led
away from Rome and to the north. There was a strange rumbling in
the distance, which Bob guessed was a storm coming in. Had he stuck
around a little longer he would have realized it was no storm but the
sound of a Barbarian horde crashing down upon the gates of the city.
Bob and Aphrosheeni watched from a distance as the sun set on
the Roman Empire. Violent red gashes cut the sky. So beautifully
captivating was it that they soon found themselves falling into an
embrace, and which subsequently led to doing it in the road; a road
that like all others would soon lead not to Rome, but away.
During his stay in the capital, Bob once asked Syphillus why the
enemy was referred to as “Barbarian,” and he replied that it was
because their primitive language made them sound as if they were
saying “Bar! Bar!” all the time. Bob couldn’t understand what all the
confusion was about. “So buy them a drink!” he said, “No wonder
they hate you guys so much.” Had Bob visited Rome earlier, and
perhaps risen to a position of real political power, he might have
saved it from annihilation. But things didn’t work out that way.
Nevertheless, though Bob triumphantly won his “human race,”
after it was over, he had two misgivings: that Aphrosheeni had been
left behind, and that when he made his reappearance on television,
his pants were down around his ankles and he was merrily humping
away at the stage.
CHAPTER 37
The following day anyone who had not seen the first installment of
The Human Race made sure to tune in. All over the planet, people
crowded around television sets and radios to witness their fate unfold
before them. It was the most-watched show in the history of the
earth, even beating the record previously set by Baywatch.
After a series of commercials in which people were scared into
buying life insurance, vitamin supplements, and bomb shelters, it
was Muchoman’s turn. He raised his arms winningly above his head
and was transported into another corner of the Dreamtime.
The citizens of Earth watched on screen as he wandered alone
through a lush wilderness. This was a profoundly distressing
H O L Y S H I T !
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