O l i v e r B e n j a m i n
“You
screwing
with me, man?” Milo yelled.
“NO! No no no no. Of course not. Please don’t kill me. Please
don’t kill me!” Gareth was crying, trying earnestly to supplicate from
his perch.
“Man, you gotta get a hold of yourself,” Milo said, disgusted at his
cellmate’s undignified behavior.
“Right. I’m sorry. Look! I’m composed! How’s this?”
Milo just shook his head and laid back down on his cot. His
court-appointed attorney would be there soon with good news, and
he figured he might as well look rested when he left jail.
Of course, when Milo’s lawyer finally showed up, he didn’t provide
the news Milo had hoped for. First time offenses notwithstanding,
Milo’s bail had been set at fifty thousand dollars.
“How am I supposed to get that kind of dough while I’m in jail?”
he protested to his lawyer. The attorney sighed and tried to explain a
few of the finer points of the law, but Milo wasn’t listening. He’d just
have to get the cash from his freaked-out cellmate.
Upon returning to his cell, Milo told Gareth that he needed the
cash now. Gareth tried to explain that he had no access to his
accounts while in the slammer, but Milo wouldn’t listen. “Listen,
man. Just give me your ATM card and your secret code and I’ll get it
myself!”
“I don’t think there are any ATMs in here,” Gareth said.
Grabbing him by his shirt collar, Milo pulled the terrified
television executive down to the cell floor. “Okay, man,” he said, “I’ve
got an idea how we can get out of this. We’re gonna fight.”
“Fight?” protested Gareth. “But—but—you said you wouldn’t
hurt me.”
“Listen to me, chump. We gotta hurt each other, not too bad, but
we’re gonna make it look real,” Milo said, and began instructing
Gareth how to cause superficial, but non-threatening damage to
another human being. Milo mastered this art in school when he and
his friends needed to skip class. Shallow cuts, realistic bruises,
swollen cheekbones, and all with a minimum of pain and scarring. It
beat staying in class, and it sure beat hanging out in jail.
Gareth thought he understood: the only way this assassin could
get out of his contract is if it looked as though he had been
overpowered. He took a deep breath and tried to recall the series of
full-contact martial arts competitions VTV had recently featured. But
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