CHAPTER 28
With no word from Harvey, Don Wong decided to forge ahead
without him. After spending a week analyzing the structure of
Harvey’s chip he thought he had succeeded in recreating the
Epiphany Machine and decided to stick with the plan to put Vlad
under its celestial influence, turning him into an organic antenna for
the wavelike wisdom of the universe. Best-case scenario, of course. It
was also possible that he would turn Vlad into a vegetable, and while
the opportunity for a sardonic quip thereupon presented itself, Don
Wong found nothing funny about harming another human being, no
matter how blunt and green they might already be.
Vlad was growing impatient. Like cleanliness, patience was a
virtue that he had never felt much use cultivating, and so pestered
Don Wong daily with baited breath, demanding to know what the
hell was taking so long.
Finally, one early morning, a weary Don Wong announced to a
room of breakfasting Ferns that he had broken the chip’s code.
Everyone was so excited that they engaged in a cheerful food fight
with their Inter-continental Ballistic Breakfast (cherry Pop Tarts and
espresso).
After the mess was cleaned up, Vlad could not stop smiling, and
when the time came for him to finally undergo treatment, he dressed
in his best paramilitary fatigues and sunglasses. He giggled like a
small child waiting for Christmas. In contrast, Don Wong was
uncharacteristically lugubrious. As he fitted the makeshift headset
onto Vlad’s head, he locked eyes with the unlikely candidate for
enlightenment and carefully repeated the warnings he had given him
many times before.
“You know that what we’re about to do is dangerous, don’t you?”
he said.
“I’m not afraid, Don. Juice me up!” Vlad announced loudly
enough for the room of excited Ferns to hear.
“I want you to tell me if at anytime you feel like your life is in
danger, okay?”
“I am the leader of a powerful paramilitary outfit!” boomed Vlad
proudly. “My life is
always
in danger!”
The Ferns cheered. Don Wong did not join them. Instead, he
grabbed the lapels of Vlad’s flak jacket and screamed, “Listen up,
dummy! This ain’t no game! I don’t want you doing anything stupid,
H O L Y S H I T !
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