O l i v e r B e n j a m i n
this poor fool that as the greatest happiness was found in giving, he
should give all his money away. To them.
She was right, of course. Soon religious organizations would be
on the phone calling the station en masse to find out how to get in
touch with this poor man and free him from his terrible plight.
Leaders of small countries would soon call to invite him to invest and
in return have a city named after him— guaranteeing immortality as
well as a nice vacation spot. Parents would force their children to
write cute letters explaining in detail emergency medical procedures
that they couldn’t afford and didn’t actually need.
“Well, you know what they say,” the reporter shrugged, “Money
can’t buy happiness.”
Doug’s eyes opened wide. “They do? Who said that?” he
shrieked, “This is
true
?”
“Hey, calm down. They said it, not me. Listen, I’ll tell you what
we’re going to do. We’re going to have people call in and suggest ways
that you might spend your money so as to achieve the maximum
amount of happiness any human on Earth has ever achieved before.
How about that?”
Doug couldn’t argue with that. He nodded appreciatively.
“Okay, then folks. Call us at 1-900-
USADREAM
and tell us what you
think Doug Veljohwzzeik, the
Poor Rich Guy
, should do with all his
money. And remember, anything goes!”
Inside Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles, the show finished and cut
to commercial, but in the studio, Doug was confused.
“What means this? Anything
goes
? Anything goes where?” he
said.
“I don’t know, Doug. Show’s over. Listen, have you ever thought
of going into business? I have a great idea: a combination
microphone and airfreshener in one!…”
A man at a table next to Victoria and Shiva’s called in on his cellular
phone and suggested that Doug would be happier if he got a better
haircut. This wasn’t just an idle insult. The man was a hair stylist and
could always use rich new clients with bad taste.
“Say man,” his friend was saying, “You always calling those
shows. I bet you even called MuseEcology and voted for those weirdo
religious fanatics.”
“Sure did,” the man with the phone replied.
“Yeah? How did you vote?”
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