O l i v e r B e n j a m i n
seen him, he would never have mistaken the hero for little. The hero
was humongous.
He could see himself, however, and couldn’t help gazing down
every so often to witness his gargantuan muscles bulge, twitch and
twitter. He admired his belt which contained the ingenious
inventions of his own devising. He appreciated the way his
Muchosuit accentuated the size of his genitals. There was no one who
could stop his juggernaut, and no one whom he would not rescue if
need be.
The world was becoming a dark place, but in the darkest of times
there have always been those who fight for moral justice and
individual freedom. The hero was the latest in a long line of these
crusaders: Hercules, Robin Hood, The Lone Ranger, Superman. Like
heroes of old, someday people would recount tales of Muchoman in
executive chambers and around dining room tables. Until that day,
he would remain selflessly content battling the forces of evil, cutting
his teeth on society’s bad apples and making the world a genuinely
better place to live.
He whirled around. His supersensitive hearing had picked up the
cry of someone in peril! Following the sound to an apartment
building, he ran an enormous distance in the blink of an eye.
A young lady in distress!
Charging up the stairs and bursting into the empty apartment, he
discovered the helpless citizen yelling from behind a locked door.
Easily, he could break it down, but he wouldn’t take a chance with
even a single life.
Instead, he inquired what it was the screaming woman needed.
Was she being held at gunpoint? Had she been assaulted in her own
home? Was she grievously ill and in need of assistance?
Pleadingly, she told him of her plight.
Ah, thought the crusader: a simple solution. One which he could
fulfill immediately.
“I will help you at once, madam!”
“Wait!” she cried, “Who the hell are you? I thought you were my
husband!”
“Who am I, madam?” he trumpeted proudly, “I am Muchoman.
And I am here to save you.”
The hero retrieved a roll of toilet paper from the closet and
placed it next to the bathroom door. She would not suffer the
humiliation. She would not suffer.
15
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