O l i v e r B e n j a m i n
modern man than someone for whom his greatest idols prostrated
themselves. And no one had more ability to pass judgment on a
variety of common topics than a talk show host in his opening
monologue. In fact, the opening monologue had all but replaced the
church sermon as the source of inspiration and direction for modern
man. Most contemporary Christians had trouble reciting the Ten
Commandments, but never missed a Top Ten list.
And so a talk-show host’s power was awesome. Throughout
history, gods were at the mercy of the priest, because the priest
always had control of the microphone. And thus, because man was so
short-sighted, the priest replaced God, and so became God. Yeshua
knew this story well; it had happened to him too.
And so the god of Nazareth and the god of late night television sat
locked in stony silence while millions of people watched, wondering
what the hell was going on.
Then all of a sudden, the corners of Letterman’s mouth began to
twitch. At first it was barely noticeable, but then the unmistakable
beginnings of a smirk formed, finally cracking under the pressure
into a full-scale grin from which a great bubbling ooze of laughter
gushed forth. It poured down off the stage, drenching the audience,
and causing them to emit their own sputtering jets of mirth, which
flowed together and grew wider and deeper until it became a mighty
gurgling river that flooded like a torrent through the tributaries of
microphones and television cameras. Here the river branched off
into many millions of smaller rivulets, all of them picking up
momentum until ultimately collecting in a wide, collective sea of
hysteria in which everyone watching was baptized by their own
laughter, and pardoned from the blame of original sin: that of being
human. Only, nobody realized that is what happened. They all just
thought that they were laughing at a bunch of weirdos.
“I told you Paul,” David Letterman said finally into the
microphone on his desk, “Never answer the door for Jehovah’s
Witnesses!”
The audience roared with laughter. Still grinning, Dave turned
back to the prophets, who were silently simmering. “So when do we
get to see the miracles, guys? And remember, card tricks don’t
count!”
“We had hoped to avoid resorting to pyrotechnics just yet, Mr.
Letterman,” Yeshua said, keeping his cool.
“Who said anything about pyromaniacs?” Dave answered him in
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