O l i v e r B e n j a m i n
“It is wonderful, really inspiring, to see that you can all take with
such humor and grace what would otherwise be a very unnerving
moment in your history. I commend the human race today, and
especially this audience, for its courage. What I have to say is simple.
It won’t take long, and then you will be free to enjoy the wonderful
wit of this very funny man, who has been so kind to let us on his show
and provide us with such an impressive spectacle.
“My friends and I have looked forward to this event,
Armageddon, for some time, and truly didn’t know what to expect.
You see, it has been a long time since we’ve been on earth, and
contrary to what you might think, we haven’t been able to witness
your development over the years. I must admit that we could never
have imagined some of the things that the human race has come up
with—non-dairy dessert topping, control-top panty hose, television
game shows, designer bottled water, to name but a few. And you
should be all very proud of your accomplishments. Really, you
should. However, there are also some things that you should be a
little ashamed of—like nuclear war, catastrophic extinction of
species, tabloid journalism, and commercials for feminine hygiene
products.
“At this point, I would suggest that it’s time for you to take stock
of your successes and failures, so that you could try and build a better
future for yourselves. I would suggest that you get together, every
man woman and child, and decide if you have done—if you are all
doing
—the right thing in your lives. However, since a great deal of
time has already passed for you to do this, I am instead forced to
suggest only this:
Time’s up!
“You see, it has been shown time and time again throughout the
history of the universe, that organisms develop greater and greater
power until they are in a position where they can actually be a hazard
to the very structure of that universe. As you are probably aware, with
all your scientific accomplishments, the human race is rapidly
becoming such a hazard. All it will take is a few more big discoveries,
and then, well—you can well imagine. Only a few hundred years ago,
a tiny fraction of the total history of the earth, the most powerful
weapon in man’s arsenal was arguably his own body odor. Now,
man’s armpits smell like roses. But his conscience does not. And at
the continued rate of technological change, it is likely that man soon
will be farting perfume, but his entire planet might be consumed and
defecated into the void, stripped of its nutrients and life. And planets
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