laughs and chops onions.”
“Oh, it couldn’t be that bad,” said Yeshua, “Surely, I’ve dealt with
worse.”
“Yeah? Let me put it this way: If Letterman were Pontius Pilate,
and this show were the Roman Empire, he wouldn’t just have
crucified you. He would have nailed up your whole family.”
“Is he a madman?” inquired Yeshua gravely.
“Worse. He’s a comedian.
Suddenly, a cheerful young man burst into the room. “Five
minutes, guys. You’re on after the next commercial break.”
Gareth turned to the young man and said coldly, “They’re not
going on.”
“Sorry?” said the young man.
“You heard me, pipsqueak. They’re canceling their appearance.
Call the Harlem Globetrotters. Fuck off.”
“Okay. That’s fine,” said the young man happily. “I’ll just tell
Dave, and then he’ll make a point to ridicule all of you on every show
from now until the end of the world.” The young man said this
without realizing the relatively short period of time that that might
turn out to be. “I can see it now,” he said, ruminating, “The Top Ten
reasons why the
God Frauds
want to judge the human race. Number
ten: they wanted to get back at their hairdressers. Number nine: They
wanted to judge the Gong Show, but weren’t qualified enough.
Number eight: They thought ‘second coming’ meant that you got
another plate of shrimp at Sizzler. Number Sev—”
“All right!” cried Gareth, capitulating. “You win, you little faggot.
Get out of my sight.”
The young man disappeared, and Gareth sat down facing the
prophets, who were now watching a commercial for cheese spray in
a can.
“Doesn’t look like
real
cheese to me,” complained Moses.
“Okay, listen you guys,” said Gareth coolly. “Check it out. I want
you to be careful with this guy. He’s not always so hard on his guests,
only when he thinks they’re weirdos or egomaniacs.”
“So then there should be no problem. We are neither,” insisted
Mohammed.
“Yeah. Ha ha. You and I know that, but nowadays when
somebody claims they’re Jesus Christ or the Buddha, people tend to
think they’re a little cuckoo. And there’s nothing more egomaniacal
than saying you’re God, no offense.
H O L Y S H I T !
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