O l i v e r B e n j a m i n
wasn’t enough, we come in here to find that the National Convention
of the Ugly has decided to trespass on private property and hold a tea
party with some pretty exotic tea.”
The officer stared down at the Fern who had inquired as to his
problem.
“So, Rudolph, the Red-Eyed Pain-In-My-Ass,” he said, “Those
are my problems. Would you like to offer some more?”
Almost as if in response to this question, the two Ferns who had
gone on the beer run burst frantically into the warehouse at precisely
that moment. Totally oblivious to the officers in their midst, one of
the Ferns breathlessly announced, “Man, we’ve got a problem.”
The policemen couldn’t help but grin a little. The other Ferns
tried frantically to alert them with various pantomimes which might
draw attention to the identities of the unfortunate new guests, but to
no avail. Spinoza joined in, making pig-noises and walking around
stiffly with his chest pushed out.
“It’s like this,” the other Fern said, “We were driving a little fast,
and drew some heat.”
“You mean, the police were chasing you,” said one of the
policemen.
“Right,” replied the Fern, displaying the remarkable powers of
perception that the organization was noted for, “So the pigs pulled us
over, but by the time they walked up to the car, we were gone!”
“My, my. How’s that?” inquired the other policeman.
“It was easy. We just kicked the floor in and crawled out the
bottom. Then we escaped through the sagebrush and managed to
hitch a ride here. The cops couldn’t figure out what happened to us.
They probably thought the car was driven by fuckin’ ghosts! Anyway,
we’re safe now, but the beer’s gone. Sorry. Oh, and that piece-of-shit
Buick, too. Man, you should have seen how easy it was to kick
through that floor! That heap couldn’t have lasted much longer.
Those cops probably saved our lives by making us stop!”
The two Ferns slapped each other high-fives in honor of their
bravery and resourcefulness.
“So where’s the car now?” asked the policeman.
“Oh, out on the highway, about fifteen miles West. Hey man,” the
other Fern said, finally noticing the policemen’s outfits, “I didn’t
know this was a
costume
party!”
“You’re all under arrest!” the officer boomed, “Put your hands
behind your backs and get down on your knees while my partner and
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