I wait to do something like this so that people will carry me on their
shoulders and what do I get? I get, ‘What’s that horrible smell?’ and
‘Here, have a Twinkie and a Budweiser.’ Meanwhile, that
geek
gets all
the congratulations. I mean, all he did was invent the machine. I was
the one who risked my life for the cause! I was the hero! I was—”
Jewel pressed her mouth against his, partially to silence him, but
also because she was drunk and he was kind of cute when he lost his
temper. Exhausted from the day’s events, he kissed her back, and she
responded by pulling him onto the makeshift dance floor for a jig-‘n’-
wiggle. To their delight, they were so impressive that the dance floor
actually cleared for them.
“Wow!” remarked a fellow who had just fled the dance floor,
“What
was
that horrible smell?”
Harvey, only recently rather hard-boiled about his invention, was
now beaming like a proud father. Despite the fact that most of the
people in the room were idiots, he was enjoying their attention and
respect. And he was starting to have some feelings that maybe, just
maybe the machine could actually change the world for the better.
But they would have to act fast. It was only a matter of time before
Schlechtmann and Barth discovered the missing chip and sent their
henchmen after him.
Harvey was preparing a drink for Spinoza when his trusted
mentor came up behind him and patted him heavily on the shoulder.
In all the frenzy of the mission, the two old friends hadn’t had time
to throw back a few, catch up on things, shoot the shit, hang out, and
whatever else it is most American men generally did instead of
genuinely expressing any actual affection for each other. Spinoza,
being a monkey, was far less inhibited in such regards, so rather than
stand around while they yelled, “Buddy!” at each other, he split to go
find somebody to dance with.
“Harv!” Don Wong yelled, with arms outstretched, signaling that
he was officially initiating a man-hug.
Clumsily, Harvey stepped forward, and stretching his arms out
as straight as they would go, swung his head definitively and
exaggeratedly to the right, so as to make unconditionally sure that
there was absolutely no way that he would be mistaken for even
thinking about trying to give his friend a kiss. Don Wong did the
same. At the very instant that their bodies met, somewhere between
the collarbone and the sternum, they both quickly stopped moving
H O L Y S H I T !
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