out and display a few unremarkable items, all which had been
cleansed by the machine to facilitate inspection. The foreman sat
down to examine them more closely: A few cigarette filters, a ladies’
fake fingernail, a condom and a contact lens among them.
“You see,” announced the foreman, “the Inorganic Foreign
Object Filter makes sure that no toilet litter can ruin the quality of the
fertilizer produced here. All it takes is one item like this,” he said,
selecting an item and holding it up between his thumb and
forefinger, “to screw up the proper nitrogen balance of our product.
This is why we have the IFOF—so that these useless bits of garbage
can be removed from what, my friends, is otherwise some very, very
good shit.”
Of course, the useless bit of garbage he spoke of was actually the
rather useful computer chip that they had been looking for all along.
“And you know what we do with useless garbage, don’t you?” said
the foreman, now walking the chip over to a whirring trash
compactor situated near the IFOF, “We make it useful, by smash—
uhhh
—”
In agreement with his premise that some things were made more
useful by smashing them, Milo decided that the foreman would be far
more useful to them in a more crumpled state and so proceeded to
knock him out from behind with a handy piece of furniture (a stool,
actually, poetic irony being overshadowed by the immediacy of the
situation).
Milo wasted no time. He snatched the chip from the foreman’s
hand. Then he helped Jewel extricate Vlad from the excrement,
scraped off the excess muck with some funny papers he found in the
foreman’s office, and they all proceeded quickly to the exit.
When the foreman woke up to find his visitors gone and a massive
bump emerging from his skull he could only conclude that they had
been in fact impostors, and that they came there to rob him. But rob
him of what? His wallet was there, no equipment appeared to be
missing, and aside from a few stains on the floor, they had left
nothing behind. He stumbled out the door and into the room where
they put those three new dumb kids, to find out if they knew
anything.
“Say you kids,” the foreman started gingerly, “You didn’t happen
to see what happened to those two fellas and the pretty lady did ya?”
“The plumbers and the famous pizza actor?” Wade asked.
H O L Y S H I T !
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