O l i v e r B e n j a m i n
big organizations now have to be responsible for recycling their own
waste into something useful. Well, here the organic waste of the
entire building is treated and concentrated into the world’s most
powerful fertilizer, capable of growing a watermelon big as a hog, a
cucumber big as—” he glanced at Vlad’s nose, then quickly looked
away, “—as a—a really big cucumber! We provide this service free of
charge to America’s faltering farming industry. For us, it’s a way of
saying, ‘To help our struggling farmers, we’ll give them the
shit
off
our backs!’ Ha ha! You can use that in one of your lectures if you’d
like, Ma’am.”
“I sure will. Thanks,” Jewel replied.
“Anyway, I—”
Just then the foreman was interrupted by a sleepy-eyed
employee who announced that someone was asking to speak with the
foreman on telephone line one. Hardly anyone ever called the
sanitation department, so calls were always on line one. In fact, there
only was one telephone line for the department, but no one ever
realized this, as all the phones had five buttons that lit up and
produced a dial tone when you pressed them. It was one of those little
touches crucial to one’s self-respect when the sole source of meaning
in your life is shit.
“You’ll have to excuse me for a few minutes, folks. It’s been crazy
today,” said the foreman, skipping elatedly out of CRUDD. What a
day. A visiting professor,
and
a phone call! If this kept up, he’d have
to requisition himself a secretary.
They had to act fast. Jewel had electronically signaled Don Wong
that they were beside CRUDD. Don Wong had immediately called the
Sanitation Department and asked to speak to the foreman.
Presumably, Harvey had already flushed the chip down the toilet but
not before affixing a special homing device to it. All was going as
planned, and it was up to the three of them to complete the mission.
“I still don’t know why I have to do the dirty work,” said Vlad,
shedding his plumber’s uniform to reveal a rubber diving suit.
“I can’t swim,” said Milo.
Jewel helped Vlad attach a helmet, mask, scuba gear and gloves.
Then, while Milo acted as a look out, Jewel fiddled with a receiver
that picked up the signals from the homing device Harvey had
attached to the chip. As quickly as she could, she would have to direct
the unfortunate Vlad to the priceless chip through a sea of worthless
shit. It was the proverbial needle in a haystack, except that this was
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