O l i v e r B e n j a m i n
Looking over to see the source of all the hubbub, Bob couldn’t
help but notice that there was some kind of a monkey perched up on
the countertop, waving his arms about madly as if he actually wanted
to buy something. How wacky, thought Bob. He was even offering the
cashier what looked like a black banana. No wonder the cashier
looked so upset. Black bananas were gross.
“Take the tickets, sir! Please to take the tickets! It is all right with me
you should win the lottery, sir! I am big lover of monkeys! For me,
sure, you know!” the cashier, Vrzchnwesko “Doug” Veljohwzzeik was
shouting from behind the counter. Terrified, he had backed against
the frozen drink dispenser, which was dispensing frozen Coca-Cola
down the back of his pants. Water vapor formed where the frozen
slush mingled with warm pee, fogging up his oversized “USA #1” belt
buckle. A blasphemy! Doug would have remarked, had he been aware
of it, but there were more pressing things to attend to. The crazed
monkey was brandishing a pistol and pointing to his supply of lottery
tickets. This eventuality had not been addressed during his
Megamart training course.
He handed the monkey a handful of the lottery tickets, and the
animal made for the door, but not before Doug, on the verge of tears,
yelled, “Help me, somebodys! He has violationed my Megamart! Do
not let him go escaping!”
Bob watched as Milo ran towards the monkey and jumped on top
of him, holding him tightly. Bob could see why: it was hard to resist
hugging the cute little guy.
“Got you, you fuckin’ goofball!” Milo yelled, jabbing the offender
with a sedative-filled syringe. “Have a shot, on me, pal. Ha ha! Looks
like you lost the lottery this time, didn’t ya?” He allowed a few
moments for the drug to take effect, and then stood up, cradling the
sleeping animal in his arms. The gun dropped to the floor with a
clank, and Doug ran from behind the counter to pick it up.
“Oh, lucky day to have you here, sir! What I would not being do
without to having you now here! Thank you so very bigly! Very a lot
thank you!”
“What? You’re wiggin’ out on me,” responded Milo, “Why don’t
you learn to fuckin’ talk English?”
“English talking, man! Fucking learning English talking!” Doug
blurted joyously. He had finally found someone to help him with his
English. “This is lucky day for me! I am wigging!”
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